I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
