upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
