if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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