i already hear my dad disowning me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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