I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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