I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
