Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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