No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
