Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
