Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
