This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
