I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
