if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have tasted many bathrooms
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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