after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
BRING THE BAGELS
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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