she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
