life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
