our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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