Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
