4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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