whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
