It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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