6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
