Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
