Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
