can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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