I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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