i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
