You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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