Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
