I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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