i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
