Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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