Where are you?
In a non slutty way
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
