Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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