farters have to be the big spoon...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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