I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
