I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
