i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im holly from the hills drunk
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
