im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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