sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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