I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
