I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
is that a dick in a sweater?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
