ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
