Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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