woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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