Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
