I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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