I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
