Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
