I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
