I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
